So I don’t know if this saying is a part of the marriage conversations of guys, but it sure is between girls, and the women that talk about marriage to you. “Don’t marry someone better looking than you, it just looks bad for you!” “Omg he is WAY too handsome for her! and she is way to pretty for him!”
-_- like really?? What the hell are people gonna say when I get married inshAllah?
I understand where this idea of having to be aesthetically pleasing while sitting on your fancy wedding lodge, but I feel that first off, whom you fall in love with shouldn’t be based on their physical appearance, and definitely should not be a reason to marry them and spend the rest of your life with. You’ll wake up to this person every morning, go back to sleep with them, see them in their ridiculous tie he insists on wearing, or her dark circles from being tired all the time. You see this girl looking her best some days, and other days an emotional wreck, maybe she’s prego or you annoyed her. You’ll see this guy wearing his fave color shirt that you despise, cause blue looks better on him to you, you’ll see him never shaving in order for the Sunnah but dang you don’t appreciate touching a sejada (carpet) or feeling prickly. Ultimately, someones looks are not in their control. They were fashioned this way by the Creator, who is Perfect in all ways. The Best artist. He continuously works on us everyday, making us taller, thinner, darker skinned, bigger eyes, longer hair, or even a better smile. (Thank Allah (swt) for helping us all get out of toothless stages!) Or for creating amazing orthodontists to help your smile look even better. He is the one that is in control, it is all from Him. Humans try to define what is beautiful, what looks great on us, what turns someone on/off. I want to meet the bastard that invented the word “perfect.” Was he/she talking about a girl or a guy? or their lunch? A sandwich can most definitely be perfect. Whatever that means.
I’ve met and seen couples that are beautiful together. Like totally eye pleasing. I swear he was handsome, and she was “beautiful” and in turn everyone said they were perfect for each other. As if that’s really the only reason they liked each other. (maybe they’re dumb enough to, never got to know them) but if you’re smart and are decent human being, you’d find and appreciate cliche qualities like sense of humor, intelligence, cooking skills, sweetness (nothing wrong with them by the way) and you’d find something that connects you both, gives you a sense of chemistry, where he needs you for certain aspects of his emotional being, or she needs you to complete her sentences, or understand her without having to say a word. (boy mind reading would be great, but God help what man would attempt to read mine! lol) The point is, I personally feel that there is always someone out there for us, another piece that adds on to ourselves, not “completes” us. Because you are complete. Allah (swt) gave you the necessities to live, a beating heart, a brain that controls all functions of your body that you still have to study about in school. Our existence is not in our control. We don’t tell our bodies when to digest food, or our hearts to start beating. We don’t have a switch in our backs that can turn us off for the day. (THAT would be amazing though wouldn’t it? But if you’re married, you’d probably be sneaking around each other to fix that problem for the day 😉 Or if you’re somewhat morbid like myself, you’d find ways to turn off and mute idiots that you come across on the daily. And as imperfect as I am, people would want to turn my switch off sometimes. Goes both ways lol.
I honestly also feel that it is so demeaning to say “She’s too pretty for him, he’s lucky!” what??? There are people out there that like things other than looks or money or social status. Bottom line, she is happy with him, and he is happy with her. To undermine someone’s new found love is ridiculous. If you really are happy for the sister or brother then you wouldn’t say that. If you’re not happy for them, then don’t say anything at all. Keep your intentions to yourself, and try to fight this jealous or boredom within you. It kind of worries me, and makes me feel bad for the people these women are talking about, and compare themselves to. Even girls my age do it. It worries me because I don’t want people that I’ve known all my life to say this about me, or my husband. Its not that I don’t care about their opinions of him for me, but I’m not gonna be asking “Don’t yall think hes cute?? Hes cute right??” yeah. no. I’ll most likely be worried if they don’t like his mannerisms, or his lack of practice of Islam. (No lie, though, I am a girl so I probably would rub in my girls faces that he’s cute and works out and blah blah wears this color to match my mud brown eyes….you get the jest).
God in Islam has MANY adjectives used to attribute His characteristics (99) that we as Muslims know of, and can barely wrap our human minds around. The purpose is to help us understand, to better know our Creator. Because we are human, we do doubt and ask questions. I know if someone was telling me to believe in all Encompassing God then I’d want to know what He’s like.
One of the 99 names is Al-Musawwir, The Fashioner (of shapes, people, things etc.) He is the one who shapes us in the womb, adding legs, eyes, developing skin, apoptosis (or cell death) in order for us to have fingers, and two split legs etc. A process which can be found explained already in the Noble Quran:
Thinketh man that he is to be left aimless?
Was he not a drop of fluid which gushed forth?
Then he became a clot; then (Allah) shaped and fashioned
And made of him a pair, the male and female. Is not He (Who doeth so) able to bring the dead to life?
or even better:
Verily We created man from a product of wet earth;
Then placed him as a drop (of seed) in a safe lodging;
Then fashioned We the drop a clot, then fashioned We the clot a little lump, then fashioned We the little lump bones, then clothed the bones with flesh, and then produced it as another creation
So blessed be Allah, the Best of creators!
How amazing! He explains to us how He began to Create us, and then continues to do so once we leave the womb, and go through various physical, and mental developmental stages that scientists and doctors are still trying to study. Granted, Allah (swt) wants us to learn and research, but all is further proof of how amazing He is subhanAllah.
I’m not saying physical appearance is not important or relevant when picking someone to marry. There is initial physical attraction depending where you’re from, what standards you’re raised with for what is considered beauty, and your creation itself, what you are inclined to being attracted to etc. I just do not want anyone to feel bad about how they look, we all have our insecurities, but don’t let that refrain you from being thankful to Allah (swt). There are people with huge Arab noses, classic, and there are people with none (Literally, just two holes for breathing) Just a few years ago, my mother was showing me a picture of a gorgeous model from Venezuela, who was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am not one to judge why God gave her this challenge, but it did prove to me that looks are not everything, they are not things to flaunt about as if we were in charge of the doing. Learning to appreciate the physical, as well as the mental state of a person is important. I am a girl. Yes I know what it’s like to wear make up, I do not judge others for doing so because I know it’s wrong for myself, and for others, but girls have different intentions for things. So males, don’t be so harsh about it. You don’t know if shes wearing it only at home or she just happened to come out of an all girls party. Or her parents are not too strict about it, so she was raised feeling its okay. ORRR she feels that bad about herself. Bottom line, try not to judge people for their looks as well. Same with guys, you might find him looking sloppy but little do you know he just came from his job at Wataburger (only in Texas…ya’ll don’t know…). Or he normally dresses sloppy, but decided to look great on a day you’d see each other. YOU NEVER KNOW. Leave the judging to Allah (swt). Be yourself, and know that He knows what’s in your heart and what your intentions are despite what people think or say of you.
Also, mainly for the females out there. If you care too much about your physical beauty, constantly putting make up on, never giving your eyes a break or a chance for your skin to breathe, just know that not only are you damaging your natural looks by the chemicals, but you’re also challenging Allah (swt). You don’t want to use products that MAN made, to tell you how to look, or change your natural look. This proves nothing to Allah (swt). You will grow old, you will get crows feet and wrinkles. You will decay, and then death and even then you be reduced to nothing but worm food. Back to the clay that you were made from, in unison with the dirt and earth, back to a natural state where we belong. I visited the Muslim cemetery today with some friends, and it was a sobering fact to feel the earth I most likely will be under one day. Just a thought, but really does change perspective.
I’m not sorry for ranting about this, but it hurt me to hear this stuff (and it wasn’t even about me) and I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel this way and I want us to think twice about what we say, because sometimes, we can be doing the hurt.
May Allah (swt) continue to fashion us the way He finds is best. What He finds beautiful is beautiful to me, and should be inshAllah for you too.
P.s. LOVE IS BLIND. Once you find that special someone, you’re gonna find yourself thinking about them all the time, and you’re automatically going to feel and refer to this person as the most beautiful to YOU. So either way, I’m still gonna find this guy handsome in my eyes, and my eyes are all that matters right? And those metaphorical ones of God. If He made me look nice, than I sure hope I look nice on the inside. “Beautiful places, ugly people.” Keep your heart clean, real beauty shines through the physical. (girls, he’s hot but a douche, turned off, no longer good looking anymore 😉