I know it’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. I’m not gonna say I was busy, cause I wasn’t. Frankly, I blog when I have moments that I feel need to be vented, shared, or expressed. Writing is my way of I guess… releasing? Nah, that’s not the word…I would say my mind is always working, I’m always thinking and I feel everything deeply. I feel like that’ll be my demise, but I hope for better. I write to sort these messy thoughts in my head, and my heart can’t help but intrude.
So just this week, past few days, Gaza has faced yet another air strike by Israel. I just cannot put into words how horrid this all is. But as I keep scrolling through updates on twitter from people I follow that are actually in Gaza, I can’t help but feel sad. How delicate is communication nowadays? Our news of loved ones, our hellos, goodbyes, I love yous, are all dependent on some wires and some electrical impulses. A force that is invisible to the average Joe. At any time that delicate silver connection can be cut off. By simple malfunctions, or by a bomb falling from the sky.
I can’t tell you how my life, personally was that lead up to this feeling that I had when I went to Palestine. It was a very emotional thing. And still is. For those who know me, they’d tell you I’m passionate, talk too much, get overly excited, or they’ll tell you that I stress out easily, and not even for myself but for others. All of the above are true. I used to suppress that, try to change myself so that I don’t know, I was a cooler person to talk to. But I soon found out that my personality was nothing to be worried or ashamed of, because I realized there are people like me, feelings running deep, blood boiling at pain, and pain intolerant.
I always felt like something was missing in my heart and my mind. My life. It wasn’t that I had never been overseas, because I was well versed in an Arab household that can’t get any more Arab. It was a feeling that shook me, made me feel unstable. I felt like I was always stressed for something, overly worried for things out of my control. But the more time I spent in the simplicity of Palestinian life the stress melted away. I felt light weight. I couldn’t think about anything else but my family in the US and how happy I was there. It was a dream, I can’t believe I was there, even today. I mean, imagine being miles and miles away, an ocean away from your norm, your comfort zones, etc. I think any new place can do that to a person, making them change for the better.
But the peace I felt in Palestine was indescribable. My heart stopped aching–its aching now though because I keep looking back at old photos, and most of which have a specific story that are short, but last forever. I felt like I belonged for once. I felt like I was one with the land that I felt like was completely mine. Don’t get me wrong though, I love America and it has my home. But goodness, this was my heritage. The reason my family came to America and Venezuela. This place was touched by many prophets, and every inch was fertile, blessed by the Lord Himself. Ya Allah, what a blessed land to be in!
How can you have felt peaceful in that place Sarah?? The war! The occupation! The blood in the streets! You were safer in America Sarah…
Truth is, freedom isn’t necessarily only found in the “land of the Free.”
Peace is achieved by dealing with pain, suffering. Peace is when you retreat from the big things. And live with the small things. Peace is when you feel like you belong, that you’re accepted. That all your dreams are able to come true. Even if you’re dreams were unrealistic or too far fetched, Palestine taught me that even if they didn’t come true, you could be content with that. Because there are other great things out there to dream of, to see and to feel. Contentment is what changed for me, the idea in which you could be happy with any outcome. And if not “happy” just accepting. What would the children of Palestine say on account of their dreams? So for my heart’s trembles, I could at least be content now, knowing that the more it shakes, the more it causes me to struggle against my soul, it’s a battle that I feel more confident in winning.