Expectations and Judgement: Prone until Proven Wrong.

This is a topic that I really learned a lot of myself from. It’s a form of shock to realize HEY I’m actually wrong sometimes hehe.

I am going to tell you of two instances in which I judged people and it came back to bite me. I confess this not because I regret a very human (and routine) action, but rather  because I learned a lot from that that I never thought I could.

Instance one:

I had a best friend that I treated like a sister. We had our pity arguments. We had our defensive days where we did not want each other to hang out with certain people because of how they-were. It pains me that we were so close, but yet so far in the way we lived our lives. I got hurt so many times because I expected to be treated the same way I treated her, only until you get hurt so many times do you become indifferent. That feeling, that feeling of indifference is killing. It is an empty, nothing that has you nodding in favor of whatever they wanted, whether it was to leave you or stay. In our case, I was the one too strong, too stable for her. I guess that was my fallacy, that I needed to be friends with someone who loosened me up, and broke down the walls I held up for the sake of ego and personality. I realize that I did not need someone like her to be happy, or anyone for that matter…but that’s another topic. I never thought that I would face this in my life, but it was bound to happen. When you put pour your heart into someone, a friendship or relationship, you just gotta make sure that person is out to stay. Not favor you only when it’s cool to, or when their heart and mind is in danger…or lost. Basic story: Don’t expect anything more than what you put out for yourself. Sometimes the only way we get things done right is if we do them. You can think narcissism here, but I am sure you feel it when you’re given the short end of the stick.

Instance two:

I did not know this person until they first started talking to me. Keep in mind I have just recently become a “make the first move” person….no not in a flirty way, but I am so shy sometimes that I cannot get myself to just go up to people and talk to them, even if it’s just to introduce myself. But my shell has been broken Alhamdulilah.

My thing is I usually don’t care or pay attention to people when they talk about others in front of me, I try to stir the conversation away to something fun but that does not always work. When it came to people I knew, and knew well, I would get upset and defend them because that was something that was never done for me, but I want to be that person to someone even if they do not know. I have been stepped on in life because I am young, female, and outspoken. But I don’t pride myself on those things because I could be someone  else by the grace of God and not care. I learned that it’s the little things that can really flip the way your heart feels. I used to bash this person in a joking manner, as everyone else did, but little did I know of their sincerity, loyalty, and character overall. Even though I never thought of this person in any way, in fact they completely went over my head, I fell. I made fun of one my friends for even thinking of person as anything more than a friend, and here I was wondering the same. I crept away from them because I wasn’t into that, at least not now. Before I even had these new thoughts and confusion, I always thought of this person as great, and I was intimidated by them. Any who, I can’t believe this even crossed my mind until it made as normative and expected by others. I don’t want it that way. I did not want this to happen. So I pushed myself to get over it. Whatever it was cause I was more annoyed of my regret that I ever thought negatively about this person. But this changed everything around, just as a genuine person and friend to me. That’s all that got me. I was wrong. I was dumb, and I was absolute even though I prided myself to never be this way. It happens. May be I had made a bigger assumption than what it was, but in the end you just cannot judge people based on what you hear of them. To this day I still do not know him. It’s crazy, you’ll find that you have a lot of things in common with someone that you put walls up for. And them the same, for him I feel it against the world.  My walls have been dented, because I was proved wrong. Because it broke something. I am saying this now, but with the hopes that I’ll forget this even happened. At least that is the only choice I have. Main lesson, people reveal themselves faster than you think. It may be a small thing they do that changes your mind, or even gets you to consider them when the whole world tells you you should. That is another topic. This is more of a personal issue to me, I feel, that I thought I was strong but didn’t know I could be this vulnerable. It is normal, and I guess I’m late on this fad. But I am learning and growing to accept this and learn from it. For me. Not for anyone else.

I’m sure I have more instances where I’ve judged someone. But main lesson is that even though we do it, we need to anticipate the fact that they could prove us wrong and surprise us. I’m sure there are times where people have judged me, I’ve proven them wrong…or right. Whatever cases, be yourself. If being you is restricting, maybe you need to reevaluate who is doing the restricting, if it’s worth it, and who are we trying to please. Not every person is worth revealing all of your parts to. Keep certain things close and keep them YOU. Do not let judgments from  others damage you, but them better you. Give people the benefit of the doubt just as you would want others to for you. There will be days where you mess up, or where it looks like you’re falling, but keep your head high and BRING OTHERS WITH YOU.

sign, overly exposed,

-Sarah

Endurance and Waiting: Times of Struggle, Pain and Hardship

Salam y’all!

It’s been awhile I think, I’ve had a few things saved in drafts…

This topic has been on the back burner for awhile. I wish I was in the spirit of offering the best advice, but now is one of those time where you’re gonna have to wait.

Have you ever felt like you don’t have control? I personally am someone who doesn’t necessarily needs to be control of anything/everything, but I want to be when it comes to my life, my body, my mind etc. They are things I don’t let anyone touch, even mentally. It’s like I’m building these walls, breaking them, others are breaking them…

I’m wondering what it really means to be patient. What’s the difference between being patient, and waiting? Is waiting without complaining patience? I continue to debate this within myself every day. I feel like I’m fooling myself into thinking I am patient. I used to think that not venting meant that I was patient, not telling anyone my pity complaints-patient. Waiting for things-patient. Not getting pissed off fast-patient. I came up with my own conclusion as to what patience is. It might sound complex or funny even, but it makes sense to me and puts things in perspective.

Patience is having the ability to complain, to drastically change your situation or not, and not waiting, but enduring. Enduring doesn’t mean to sit there and try not to cry or get angry, gritting your teeth or wiping away tears at night, it means letting your heart fix itself. Letting the pain go on, and then when the moments of ease come, which they do, (and the pain comes back), you let your mind, body, and heart relish in them. Take for example, at the end of a long day. You’re in your room, a nice room, maybe your mattress sucks but you’re so tired that your body doesn’t notice the pricks, but settles and relaxes. Take for example, when you have one moment to yourself, it’s quite, you don’t hear any excess noise. Enjoy that. For me, sometimes I cannot stand to be in quite places because then I’m alone with my loud thoughts. I don’t want to be all the time. For me, they just remind me of what I’m dealing with and how I feel helpless cause no one else can hear. My moments are when I make a cup of tea or coffee, I drink it and for awhile I really do feel at ease. I get that way about dessert too. Other moments for me are when I listen to music. The type of music I’m into probably isn’t the best to bring up a mood, but I’m in it for the instrumentals mainly. I do listen to Quran and read it as well, I have my favorite Surahs that I constantly find myself referring back to. I think it’s good to find your  favorite ones and make them your keepsakes. All of the Quran is beautiful and genius, but some words and stories just hit us more than others.

I guess you could say that patience is also you being patient with yourself. I wish I had the proper means of expressing how to do that, but one way is to see where your weaknesses are and choose to get better. You cannot stay the same. Every day you are growing, every day you’re either fading or improving. You are not the same person as you were months ago. I swear, some days I just look in the mirror and tell myself that I will do the exact same thing months from now, and have different thoughts running through my head. Time has a funny way of working. It seems like it’s for us one day, but against us another day. Truth is, even if you’re patient, or waiting, or not, time is going by. The best thing to do is to make the best of it. I think to myself how lucky am to be alive most days. I wake up in a slump, sleeping in, and it’s a brand new day. I think we take our days for granted, I still do. We keep hoping for the one special day, or anticipate that one horrible day, because each is bound to come right? It is true. But even though it is cliche, every day is worth living. And I mean this in the sense that every day is worth your attention, and dedication. Give yourself a break. Forgive yourself. If you’re like me, you won’t even recall what you had for breakfast. And the times of harship you had, and the times of success, those moments you will have for life. But make sure that instead of reliving the emotions that could be poison, remember the lessons and learn. There is always room for learning.

 

I apologize that this post was in the drafts for about 8 months. I have a sort of writer’s guilt. I could make this better, but to be honest, there isn’t much to it anymore. You have your own means of getting better and keeping patient, and doing you. Do not lose sight of yourself no matter what tests you’re put through. If you break, if time goes against you, know that you’re far more blessed than one moment of pain. The day will end. Do not leave it without remembering the One who let you wake up in the first place.

Still the guilty writer,

-Sarah