Salam guys! Been a short while.
Ya ever have those moments where you just know Allah (swt) is doing His best for you and you still suck and are undeserving?
I keep listening to lectures by Imams telling me how I need to look at what I have instead of what I don’t. That I need to be happy for what I’ve got. And honestly, I think we all take what we have for granted and don’t place enough emphasis on what we have over what we desperately want in the moment.
It’s crazy how our state of mind can be changed by one thing. I regret not taking advantage of my mindset when I was less busy, when I was less of a sap wanting to be in love like everyone else, when I didn’t have my family relying on me even more now, when I didn’t have the missing spot in my heart where certain friends were, when I didn’t have life changing decisions pressure me, when I didn’t have to keep my struggles to myself because nowadays, if you want your sincerity and happiness ruined, just tell someone. I’m a salt, I know.
It’s not enough to not want to feel a bad again, you have to refuse it. You have to want to be better. Let Him in. Allah’s love is boundless.
I guess it’s out of my control, because I had different worries then. I don’t remember what they were, but I do know that in the moment, they consumed every ounce of my being. I would remind myself only recently, that, “this won’t matter in a year” and now it’s more like “this won’t matter in 5, this won’t matter in the next week.” All this because I’m waiting to worry about some thing else. I’m asking Allah to take me out of this rut I’m in and find the peace I need. Every part of our life has been calculated and planned. It’s only hit me recently that everything truly comes from Allah. You’d think that’s obvious right?
Well, sometimes we think that people are truly powerful enough to influence our lives so much so that we think their will is greater than Allah’s. I find this to be such a struggle to contend with. How can a person have so much power? Allah isn’t changing their being, because they don’t want to change. They don’t want to change themselves.
It’s so true that if you want to affect the outcome of your situation and status with Allah, you need to change. It’s like constant building and tearing down of yourself. This is how I feel. I build myself up, and up, then let certain things crash through me. I’m again on my knees to Allah begging for help. Because no one gets it but you. No one gets how much you constantly edit yourself. How you hate your thoughts because your heart disagrees and thinks things will get better. And things do get better, painstaking, over so much time. No one sees how you feel broken, but look alive just because you fixed your make up that day. Little things like this have made me happy, it’s dumb, but it’s my thing. Some days it’s just laughing with my mom about dumb things, or annoying my siblings. I want that happiness to overwhelm me, because when I have my family around, my cousins, my loyal friends, I feel so beautiful. I feel like I’m whole on the inside, beautiful on the inside, not a construction site with hazard signs and caution tape.
As much as Allah knows I’m begging to be out of my trials, I know that I have them because He loves me and knows I’m a champ. He knows how I am, he knows my heart and subhanAllah everything has been working in my favor, as in, I’ve been seeing Him more and more in my life.
I’m learning a lot about myself and one thing is for sure. I suck at letting go. Not because I can’t, but because I fear the pain of breaking and breakage that’ll leave me again on my knees. I need to be in that position more often though, and it shouldn’t take heart break and headaches to do that. Someone once said to always remember Allah in the good times too. I find that I have more of those and I’m sure we all do. In that case, I pledge that my life is gonna be spent editing myself. Thinking of myself and how my life isn’t just mine. My well being is for Allah, my parents, my siblings and my friends who love me and rely on me. A lot of people will say your life is yours. And to an extent, it is. But I can’t be selfish and not believe that people need me and want me to happy. That thought alone brings me so much comfort and rise in self love. That’s partly why I love teaching. People need you. People rely on you, and you know yourself and are thinking “seriously, me? I’m really not great” lol then I bask in my narcissism and agree to the compliments because I am. I work hard and I know my heart. It’s time to be proud of the goodness and light in us, and show off the Iman Allah has instilled in us. It’ll be contaigious. So much so, that when you’re not the one who’s being the positive one, your company will bring you up in ways you never thought possible.
I’m a work in progress. I pray that whoever I stay friends with, whoever of my family doesn’t disown me lol, whoever I marry, knows this and loves me all the same.