Why I Write

Salam everyone,

So this is a question that I should have asked myself a long time ago. Usually when things come naturally to us, we don’t question why, and take it for granted. I have been fortunate enough to have been asked “why” I write because it forces me to think about my purpose for doing so. It is safe to say that a lot of writing is inherently personal and for ourselves.  I write because it is my outlet, a cathartic art that allows me to express how I feel about certain issues regarding myself, what happens to me, and world around me. I have been “writing” since I was 7 in a girly and guilty-expensive Lisa Frank diary. I wrote in my diary every day. I still have my diaries and read them every once in a while for some humor. I wasn’t funny, but it is amazing to look back at what I thought what my woes were and how I planned on solving them. As I grew older, my writing grew with me and I left the sparkly journal and got more “mature” materials. I am now in my 20s and have been using my Iphone notes as drafts for posts until I get a chance to formally construct my pieces on here. Writing to me is like magic, but also one of the biggest proofs for spirituality and affirmation for my faith. I imagine the brain being a mess of ideas and thoughts that if valuable, should be shared. I imagine these ideas flowing like blood through veins, then the words drip from our fingers and dance on paper…

This manifestation of writing, as a kinetic activity, proves the existence of something greater for me. The ability to create, out of what seems thin air, pieces that cure us, touch others, and change the world are dangerously necessary. It sometimes scares me that I can create something and it be untamed and open to so many people. There is the accountability, but also the fear of letting go of something that maybe should have stayed in your heart. Writing is a very intimate thing that is not meant for everyone. I mean this to say that I feel humbled to have this outlet that I honestly cannot see any other way for myself to heal or explore. I am no where near my ideal writer-self, but the act of writing needs to continue for me to build myself in order to become the best version of me possible to offer this world.

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Can I ask You?


Can I ask You?
Can I ask you Allah, to hear me on the follow things:

See there are things I just can’t take, but all I do is take from You and here is my gripe 

I want to move like rivers 

I befriend lakes and then I drown  
Told ya so

Crying yourself to sleep is the most hollow pain. 
I can’t take you 

Pain- you ascend like boxer stars all over the place like iridescence – like an illusion I can’t reach an eventually happiness I seek 
It’s there I see it- the light at the end of the whirling tunnel
I can’t take you- pain 

Because you’re so cheap 

You’re so inexpensive 

You have an expiration 
You don’t last forever even if you want to
You’re a part of this sobering dunya 

And I won’t get lost in hopeful naivete 
Because that’s your time to crush me at me most content 
Can I make amends with you Allah,

Can I ask you for forgiveness ?

Can I ask you to help me sew back what you drew?!

Can I ask you to bless my friends? Bless them more than me?

Can I ask you to love me even while our evil embers ?
I ask you Allah to please answer the duaas of the oppressed and those who’ve experienced tholum in this life because no one notices us. 
Allah (swt) will take out every person you loved more than Him because you wouldn’t have made room otherwise.

I can’t watch you break your leg. but I can write about it. Like an “amazing conductor” of healing 

I can take you pain in the depths of the night and say alhamdulilah I got you here instead of under there 
I can say thank you for making me someone who swallows you 

Maybe that shade is mine 
Can I ask you Allah to please relive me of my shyness? Can j ask you to let me see clear blue skies ? I’m forever indebted to you. 
I’m forever indebted to your glistening hijab- an understatement 
Eyes like milk tea 

No not jaded , just Jade I want to afford don’t you? 

Can I ask you Allah to help me get over what’s gone? Why people die and then they’re gone? 

Pain you are not a cliche prick of a thorn you are invisible 

You are hollowing yet humbling at the same time 

You manage to squeeze thro my fingertips 
You manage to defer our hopes with Allah 

But I can take you
Instead I’ll ask you Allah, can I make amends with you? Can know why you gave us heroin purpose? Can I ask you Allah, to keep me humble, even if it means taking everything 
I can’t take you pain- but you’ll be there and so will the One who disposes of you once you’ve served your purpose. 

To Baba and Dinner Forks 


Ukrainian artist- Soosh

I go up the stairs, my ankle pops like yours. 

My eyebrows furrow like yours, I’m sorry I thought they were bushy

We look the most alike. 

Between your stubble and big smile, I only know a teacher that never got a classroom. 

An Imam that didn’t find his voice 

A potential goat farmer.

I’ll pay for that. 

You’re the definition of sacrifice 

The smell of aftershave and honey 

The smell of a clean sweat as you got bigger 

As you became stronger 

We run in a circle of the same arguments and debates only to realize we meant the same thing 

You constantly make things easier than they need to be

I’m sorry mama isn’t good at rocket science 

You’re a giant with a cartoon voice- a voice you only make in front of the younger babies 

SpongeBob is on!

Thank you for teaching me humility 

I’m still biting my tongue 

You said you’d cut it off 

Sanak taweel!

I’m sorry I make you mad some days

Thank you for being my gaurd

One day I’ll be able to hold you as you held me.

My ankle pops like yours

You said it’s because I pray a lot 

When you pray- a lot.

A gentle giant.

Thank you for giving me my first series of books 

You never come in my room

But did to tuck them

In.

Stop breaking our forks.

Love you ya baba. 

Forgive me and maybe I’ll enter the same gates as you

Because you know- daughters open gates.

Fathers give the path and keys.

So forgive me.

Jenin you’ll see one day- maybe on your way to Mecca 

I don’t think I’ll ever accept it if you pass

As long as it was on your way there- you joke.

I love the space between your teeth.

Love you baba,

I’ll make you iron forks 

I’ll be stronger too

I’ll look like you and pray like you and make Duaa like you.

Love you baba,

Thank you for splitting your coffee with me.

What Tugs at Your Heart Strings:Realizations

“My words are wrapped in barbwire, my actions speak for what I can’t say-when my head tells me ‘no’ my heart tells me ‘go’ so I’m on my way.”

-Lea Michelle “On My Way”

 

Salam guys,

So I’ve come to many realizations and pretty fast I might add.

Every time my Facebook daily memories appear on my feed, I can’t help but go back and read all my statuses, just to see where my mindset was at the time, and where my heart was. Crazy, but I literally can’t remember why I said what I said. It’s 2016, guess it didn’t matter all that much.

It’s crazy how we can have so many dimensions to ourselves, how our minds can either be focused on one thing, or split in different directions. I found myself experiencing both. Often times the main thing in my heart residing on the back burner of my mind. SubhanAllah, what we focus on and what we ditch. It kinda scares me because I can’t predict where I’ll be next year, where my heart will be, and where my mind is. I just want peace, I just want my happiness.I honestly don’t want to make this post real deep, because I’m working on digging myself out of hole of which seems no bottom. Here are the realizations I’m having:

  1. My definition of friendship is simple. I’m okay with this.
  2. My definition for love- growing every day. I’m struggling with this.But maybe it’s just something that needs to come. I am not certain yet.
  3. Not everyone thinks the way you do, they don’t have to. Vice versa.
  4. Not everyone has the same heart as you. As in, if you don’t have the heart to do or say certain things, that doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t. Be aware of it.
  5. Good intentions will not always matter. Not to people. But Allah (swt) they do.
  6. Good intentions can have bad consequences. Check yourself.
  7. Allah (swt) will remove every being in your life that you favored them over Him. He will take them out. You will not always know why, you’ll feel empty, but trust me, He’s having mercy on you by allowing you to filter, and renovate your heart’s space.
  8. Even when you’re right, apologize. People just want to stop hurting.
  9. Some people will either make your burdens worse, or ease them. Be the one that eases.
  10. People are more selfish than you think. I’m selfish too, sometimes you need to be.
  11. ^It might come at the cost of someone else’s feelings. Up to you to see if it’s worth it.
  12. You should go by your own standards and not expect much from others.
  13. Redefine what it means to be “close” to someone. I’m doing this every day.
  14. Telling someone everything doesn’t make you close.
  15. When something is unlike you to do, you’ll feel nasty. That’s when you know who you really are.
  16. You need a man with bigger hands. No, that’s not what I meant. A man who’s gonna catch you when you fall, encompass you in love no matter what. You’re great, so he needs to hold you well. 
  17. Know your worth, but don’t get cocky.
  18. You don’t always need to look how you feel. My motto? #trashCan not #trashCannot
  19. The more sujood you make the better, even when your hearts not in it.
  20. Make small goals. Push yourself to achieve them.
  21. YOU are a goal. You’re your own goal. You need to build, and grow and create the best you to offer to the world. And so you can leave it a better place.
  22. Know the difference between tough love, and being rude. This goes for taking it from others, and exhibiting it to others. You might hurt more than you can help.
  23. Reflect every chance you get.
  24. Your mom loves you. Talk to her and don’t shut her out.
  25. Self care. Don’t F with people who don’t exfoliate. But you gotta first.
  26. Allah (swt) continues to cover our mistakes and shortcomings. Don’t ruin that.
  27. Love for the sake of Allah(swt). Especially when you know a person is good, even though you may not be the best of friends anymore. Love for His sake because you can.
  28. Make  saying “I l-o-v-e you”easy 2016. It’s not that deep.
  29. Anytime you put your heart on the line, it will not go to waste. Even when you look like an idiot.
  30. Those who love you won’t think you’re an idiot.
  31. I owe my heart to a lot of people. I’m sorry.
  32. One person leaving your life is petty compared to the hundreds that care about you. Let’s make it numerical and unemotional.
  33. You’re petty sometimes. It’s okay.
  34. You’re alive for others, not just for yourself. You life isn’t only yours. What you do affects others, people need you, people look up to you.
  35. There’s baraka in your life even when you did’t ask for it. Appreciate it.

There’s some lol…

I’ll add as I go. But man, 2016…wyd?

Sign an unmoppable mess,

-Sarah

 

Vastness of God, الله Ramadan Epihanies 

The vastness that is Allah (swt)-

As I pray, I sometimes shrink in this feeling, I am so small. I am so small compared to this room filled with other worshippers, I am so small compared to this masjid, this city, the amount of people in this world.
What are we compared to God? I looked down at my hands, I bent my fingers to stretch them out during prayer, my joints ached but we’re not stiff. I saw the ease in my gestures and didn’t realize just how amazing it was to have these things. 

Not even on my command, my fingers bend and relief themselves of work. They cup into thankful wells for when I make Dua. They do whatever I want them to do, and I don’t even understand how they work. 
What’s all this compared to the greatness and vastness of Allah? 

I always wonder, looking at my hands, how people don’t believe there’s something bigger out there. We have this idea that God is this one being that somehow stays put in one place, looks a certain way, and isn’t omnipresent. In reality, it’s the opposite. He envelopes the earth. His mercy reaches the very darkness of corners that haven’t seen mercy in years. He lights up places that have been dark on His command, not our education or enlightenment. The problems of the world are nothing for God our successes are but a fraction of happiness that we enjoy then find fleeting.
He is everywhere and everything. He owns it all. He watches over us, beside us, soothes over the subtle tremors of our hearts. 
Sincerely stumbling 

-Sarah 

Your Promise

A poem compiled in a span of 65 days, sleepless nights, and depths of sadness and happiness at 2 am. These are random pieces of notes I wrote and made them into one peom explaining the inner dialogue I have with Allah (swt) every time I need to go back to Him. Which is often.

Bismillah Al Rahman Al Rahim

“Your Promise”

Wa3di Allahi 7aq
Verily his promise is true
She raced to her Lord every month after a time of missing Him;

of being absent of His presence . because she faded from Him,

Of knowing He missed her and loved her too.
All the while Trying to gain His favor while failing.

trying to gain some one else’s smile and laughter for her and no one else

Hasten to your Lord on soft knees,
ask Him anyway, don’t be shy, don’t be shy
Just another night of cold pressed thoughts at the bottom of the ice berg
Resurfacing now matter how hard you try to forget. And you do forget.

You smile a smile that you don’t know why it’s there and can’t resist it’s crevices on your face.
Sometimes happiness is small, it’s a small thing like a the torn mint leaves that cascading into your tea after you’ve already filtered it,

after you said things couldn’t get better but Allah shows you better every day
He shows you the stars that exist millions of miles away

as your self doubt should be
He shows you the trees their roots are unbroken and unshaken
Why can’t I be as strong as Maryam rd. She shook the date palm and let nothing shake her
He shows you mountains that remind us of elderly wisdom , the grandparents of nature
Hasten to your Lord on soft knees, do not be shy
You think He is far but it’s only you that’s far, drifting together like ships in the night
Ask Him with the honest voice of your trembling heart
This is the way the heart works,

Allah swt will test His toughest Warriors with trials upon trials because

He knows you will pass but you don’t
It’s like I committed my heart to hopin’ for you, and ya Allah I feel like I missed out on your promise

Wa3da Allahi 7aq, You promised
She ran to her lord, this time quicker and with a lighter bounce in her step.
This promise isn’t right now, it’s later.

It’s bigger than a pinky..my pinky. This promise only works if you swear that He is one, what a humbling condition for an ungrateful race.
Your promise ya Allah,

My heart beats slowly like a child walking sneakly down the hall

Your promise, keeps me on bended knee
You made room in my heart when I saved a corner for you

You told me it’s okay to love for His sake and save some room for those people anyway
Your promise, is my carpet bound motivation , the only reason I bow with no hesitation
My strength is in I won’t surrender to myself or to the faint whisperer

My strength is knowing He is always with me.
Your promise ya Allah, is what keeps me on bended knee.

-Sarah
I recited this last night at a poetry slam. I’ve never felt so happy and relieved. I would have cried if I was standing, but I sat down and Alhamdulilah Allah has ways of calming our untamed hearts.

No Lease Here: Reflection on the heart

  

Always in My Heart-By Carbine of Society6

Salam everyone, 
I finally finished Yasmin Mogahed’s book, Reclaim Your Heart. This is a portion of my reflections that resulted from this read. This has been in the drafts for 51 days. Writing tells you when you’re ready to post-muscle memory when you’re not done yet, and heart when you can’t think of anything else.
           I don’t know if this is weird or not, but I noticed that every space in my heart has been occupied by people I truly love/ed for the sake of Allah, and have either passed on, left, had to let go of, or just don’t have as big a space anymore. I think it’s because I let myself, without noticing, have those people be my immediate source of happiness and comfort, and not knowing that they were just as temporary as the happiness and comfort they offered. Crazy how Allah (swt) will knock out every person in your life that left you preoccupied only to have more space, if not a majority of it, be for Him. It happens pretty easily, after years and constant work of maintaining those relationships, that they can disappear. Evidence for that? Look at who has made you shed the most tears, and ask yourself if they were worth it. Then compare the tears you have for Him, and you’ll find those were the ones that shook your heart instead of making it sink. Nothing’s wrong with being attached to people, it’s human nature, but we can’t let those attachments be our life source. It’s an endless battle with the self I’m sure, every day. And to say that no one is worth your tears is false. A few people I can say are worth it if they were only in arm’s reach. Admitting the truth to my heart has been one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done. 

         I had a friend once tell me that it was okay to leave space for people in your heart. I could do this? I don’t have to lose it all? I don’t have to be a heartless rock? Lol.

         I guess everyone has different ways they battle with their heart. I know that in months time, days, my heart has and will change because I asked Him to take it and keep me on His path. It’s hard to admit to yourself that even good things can lead you astray. You might not even convince yourself of it in a lifetime. 

         Your heart needs sanding. Get rid of the rough edges. Your heart needs to be lit up by new candle light, by faith. Your heart needs to get rid of hatred and darkness. 

Your heart needs to be for Him. 
I told myself this. I’m telling you this. I am beyond done with trying to tame my heart. It’s free. It flutters when it wants to. It shakes all the time. In my deepest moments of anger it seems to disappear. I don’t feel it beating or maybe that’s a blood pressure thing. But when I’m in my deepest moments of solitude, pain, and even joy, it beats lightly, like a child trying to be sneaky coming down the hall. 

And I guess my biggest fear is that it stops shaking all together. It stops beating for those who I think of constantly. That it stops fluttering. Sometimes this is inevitable. Sometimes this is necessary. I only pray to God that my break is a clean one, and that I skip one beat and tread on. 

Take care of your heart. Think of it. Think of what will make it stronger. You can face anything. You can keep battling and breaking while maintaining a put together shell. Those are the people I wish I’m always around- because they’re honest. I want to be honest to myself before anyone else. If that’s someone’s definition of weakness, I say that’s my permanently validity-of which I will never trade for the world. 

Sincerely stumbling, 

-Sarah